Laying down on the job

You know it’s over when all the cute things your guy use to do are now the most annoying things you could imagine. Ugh. The way the boyfriend candidate walks up on his toes. The athletic socks with sandals. The never ending stream of cheap sunglasses and cheaper wine. The way he calls me “girlie whirlie”. He uses paper plates and is proud of it. Shudder.

The thing though that I’ve totally fixated on is that he lays down all the time.

The first time I noticed was a couple of months ago. I have a door from an outside garden that leads to my bedroom. One Sunday morning he entered the house through that door. He called me on his cell to say he had arrived. I’m like, “What? Where? I’m so confused.” He said, “Yeah, I’m back in your bedroom.” I go back there and there he is lying across the bed, hands behind his head, with that look like he owned the place. Ew.

And he didn’t get up when I walked in. Double ew.

So I sat on the foot of the bed, my bed. Then my roommate walked down the hall. “I heard your voice, thought I’d say hi.” The BC didn’t get up for him either. I stood up. It was awkward to be sitting with the BC on my bed while my roommate was standing there. It was even weirder when the roommate and I were standing looking down on the BC while he lay there. Motionless. No intention of rising.

Since then I notice that every time he comes over it takes about five minutes for him to get horizontal. If we are sitting together, he’ll end up sliding down and putting his head on my lap. I hate that. It holds me down and makes me wonder if he hears my stomach growling. I’ll find him on my front porch, reclined on the sofa drinking coffee. Then later reclined on the back deck drinking a margarita. It’s like he has no spine. I’ll bring him a refill and he just casually holds the glass out, “Here, do me”.

Enough. It’s sloppy, lazy, impolite and utterly baffling. Why is he doing this? My grandmother said of her second divorce, that after two weeks of being married she realized she couldn’t stand her new husband because all he did was lay around the house. At the time, I thought she was harsh. Not so much any more.

If he can actually stand and walk, he needs to get the hell out.


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