Find me a man who won't piss in my yard

Before my room mate moved away, I picked him up from the hospital after some minor surgery. He was completely whacked out on drugs. The nurse asked him, “What’s your favorite painkiller honey? Morphine? Oxy? Vicodin?” My earthy hippie room mate had no idea. So she gave him a double hit of morphine and vicodin. Welcome to Los Angeles.

So I poured him into the car and we sped away to get stuck in two hours of traffic. He starts off like this,”Wooooo hooooo - we need to find you a man!!” I hoped for drug induced clarity.

“You need a man who’s good with children.” That seems to go without saying. But then why did I stay with the Boyfriend Candidate when he was utterly crap ass with my kids going from condescending (“OK, can anyone tell me why we have TWO forks?”) to fantastically inappropriate (“Hey, don’t stick that up your nose!” then in a whisper “Just watch, now he’ll stick it up his nose”). Being good with kids is key.

“You need a man who’s teachable, who is able to change his mind.” Now this I hadn’t thought about. Let’s face it, I date older guys and their cake is baked. They know what they want, they know why, no way in hell anything you do or say will change their mind. I remember asking the BC to help me with the sheets on my kids’ loft beds. What I wanted to do made no sense to him and he wasn’t going to do it. He literally walked out of the room and told me I didn’t really know what I was doing. Not teachable.

“You need a man who will make you feel like a woman - sexy, confident, desired.” Coming from the room mate, yuck, but yeah. You do need a man in your life that makes you feel like a woman, not a buddy or a dude. I think the BC was a guy like this. The few times he bought me flowers he nearly threw them at me. “Here. Stick ‘em in some water.” So close and yet. He peed in my back yard one time, just for fun, just for the shock value of it. What lingered about that episode was that no prince would piss in front of his princess in the yard where her children played.

If ever I doubt the demise of the BC I just have to think about my room mate’s list.


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